I don’t have to – I can just hit them once…just why do it only once, when I can do it again, and again, and again… And leave them wondering why me??? What did I do??? The answer is, nothing. I just like the taste of your xp, dripping off my tongue…

We had a fantastic talk with MN last night, about boundaryless fantasies, and it brought up the need for a little more clarification on our existing boundaries – not so much for Him this time, but for me.

He has asked me to keep a diary of my feelings during our upcoming rendezvous in The Big City, as it will not always be appropriate that I express how I am feeling, but he still wants to know later on, and I am hoping to do my writing on here.If I can’t do it at the time, I will upload it at my earliest convenience.

He has also requested I write some erotica for a competition he found online, so I am off to begin work on that now. Perhaps I will load a copy here as well, once I am done.

sugar x

<reads…

<googles “how not to fall in love”

sigh…

I’m not usually like this, but then – nothing in our life is ‘usual’ at this point. Most of it is so insanely awesome, its like a story right out of a book. I guess this is just where the story gets a little twisty…

See, DH is a friend of mine – known him 8yrs, since the end of high school pretty much. I married another guy from our high school year. After 3yrs of being dragged through mountains of shit backwards with the husband, we are (finally) a couple of weeks off getting the divorce. We haven’t been ‘together’ properly in a fair while though.

We (ZsJ) have just come back from our first ever overseas trip, and it has been extremely…enlightening and formative, shall we say. While we were over there we murdered a whole host of inhibitions (thank you Frenchy, Joe; nicely done.) and got into one of ‘those’ talks with DH – and for the first time in our lives, were in a position to actually DO something about it. So we did: we made arrangements to spend the weekend with him, before returning to normality, once we arrived back in the country.

Well, the internal tides of being female played against us, and we cancelled our delicious rendezvous with some disappointment. I dislike disappointing people, and DH always takes it so nicely, so sweetly, you’d never know if he really had a problem with it. (I HATE that!)

Well these things pass, so we rebooked with DH for 3wks after the initial date, and came to visit.

It was a weekend to remember for a long, long time. Exquisite would be the word.

It was kinda meant to be Zoe’s thing, as she had been the one having so much new boundless fun in Aus, and had come to a little more new fruition/managed to get my fears off her back, but I ended up filling needs I didn’t even know I had, with him…

It has been longer than I can remember, since I kissed someone and had it take my breath away. Or been so intensely contented in someone’s arms, that I feel like I could die and it would be okay. And never the two together before. Or to such a height. Initially, I was thinking this is fucking great! A friend with benefits above and beyond the physical – this is intimacy too!! Lol who needs boyfriends or husbands…I’ll keep this one on instead. What an egg. Did I forget that I have feelings too? And that all this may, hmmm, I don’t know – TRIGGER THEM???

ugh.

dammit. I have screwed my own pooch, as it were. (For those unfamiliar with that phrase, ‘fucked myself over’ will do nicely).

Because now, 4 days after I walked into his apartment, I am MOPING. Dear god I am actually moping. For my friend. My “just friends, friend with benefits” friend.

He had a haircut (by his ex) and I saw him the next day, and *fuck* he looked really hot. I mean, he’s never looked so good – not even while I was bonking his brains out. And I have the sneaking suspicion he looked so goddamn gorgeous BECAUSE of the weekend we’d just spent together.

I am in town all week – and, yay for timing, he is not. He is about 1000km away – all week.

Why do I want to remember all the sweet things he did and said? I want to store them away, and pull them out one by one, to peek at, let my face cover itself with an enormous stupid smile, and then pop them away again quickly before they fade…

he loves how ‘incredibly soft’ my lips are…he enjoyed the scent of my hair…he’d stare at me across the room like he was constantly distracted by my presence…he kissed me, in front of his absolute best friend in the world – and a handful of other people…he held me in such a way I can barely begin to describe it effectively: like I was something precious and porcelain, gently, firmly, tenderly, carefully holding me to himself…he’d nestle into my neck for kisses, and really spend time there and make them count…

It’s not fair. It’s all awesome. And its mine for borrowing. Once in a while. But not for keeps.

I’d rather be his friend H, who he is visiting at the moment. She gets a whole week. He sleeps in her bed, and counts her among his bestest friends. They’re more likely to become a ‘thing’ than him and I, despite his protestations that they’ve never even kissed, cause its just not like that for them…she has more of him than I do, sex and kisses or not. And she gets to keep it.

Dammit he even has me wanting to write poetry! This is stupid – I need Zoe to kick in, kick my ass, and remind me how stupid I am being. But…oh the possibilities.

ZOE!!!!! HELP!!